I recently watched two senior professionals debate a topic. As I did so, I paid most attention to how each went about communicating their case and perspective. The more I watched, the more turned off I found myself to be at the language used, the nonverbal messages sent and the lack of generosity and respect I would have expected from those we call leaders.

I assessed the behavior of each to be rather unbecoming. “Unbecoming. What a curious word!” I thought. “What does it even mean when we say someone is unbecoming?”

According to Merriam-Webster, unbecoming means “not according with the standards appropriate to one’s position or condition of life; unbecoming conduct.”

Dictionary.com defines it as “detracting from one’s appearance, character, or reputation; unattractive or unseemly.”

If we are behaving in ways that are unbecoming, it must mean we are detracting from who we could be in this moment and, therefore, from our own potential and all we might become. It must mean there is a different and higher path available for us.

As I reflected further on the behavior I witnessed, I thought about my own actions and asked myself, “When am I unbecoming?”

I am unbecoming when I speak ill of others. I know this because I can feel it. It just feels wrong to speak poorly of another. However subtle or benign it may be, I always end up feeling ashamed of myself for not being a stronger and better person. It begs the question: Why am I not having this conversation with the person I am speaking about?

I am also unbecoming when I blame others for situations and results instead of focusing solely on my own contribution and ownership in an outcome. After all, I co-create every single relationship I am a part of, so if I don’t like what I have created, it is up to me to learn, grow and change if I am to create new and better outcomes. This might require that I acknowledge or apologize to others, and it might require that I end a relationship that is simply unhealthy.