What is empathy? How is it different from sympathy? What makes it a vital component for success? One of the biggest hurdles for most of the leaders I work with is developing empathy. The reason for this is that they feel showing empathy is a sign of weakness. In our exploration together, I help them understand the difference between empathy and sympathy and how it can make a big difference in their leadership style and how others view them as leaders.

Let’s review empathy: It is the ability to understand, recognize and appreciate the way others are feeling, even if it is different from what you are feeling, and it makes you more approachable because you show sensitivity to how others are feeling. A bonus for the health care industry is that malpractice suits go down when empathy from the doctors increases.

I am often told by my clients that they just aren’t empathetic. That may be true. At the same time, empathy is a learned ability, not a personality trait. Empathy builds trust. Trust and respect are the foundation for every healthy relationship, and when these increase, your effectiveness as a leader increases by promoting more employee engagement and improved performance.

How do you learn to be more empathetic? I have developed what I call the Empathy Self Audit. It is a way to assess your empathy and do some self-reflection in this area. Ask yourself the following:

• Are you aware of how others are feeling?

• Do you try to avoid hurting the feelings of others?

• Do you respect the way others feel, or do you put them down or tease them?

• Do you care about the feelings of others?

• Does the display of strong emotions bother you, or do you understand and appreciate what they are experiencing?

• Are you sensitive to the way others feel?

• Do you understand how others are feeling or are you oblivious?

• Are there times you are not sensitive to someone’s feelings? If so, what prevents you from being sensitive?

• Do you have the ability to reflect back what you heard the person saying using the same adjectives that the person used to express their emotions?

Take a moment to reflect on these questions. Do any of these stand out for you? How would you rate yourself on empathy? How would others rate you? Do you need help on improving empathy? Would increasing your empathy improve the culture of your organization?

When I work with my clients, I have them keep the words in italics before them: aware, care, respect, appreciate, sensitive and understand. We then role play situations so that this new skill becomes more automatic.

One CEO I worked with called me because he was going to meet with one of his managers who was upset about not getting the raise he thought he deserved. The CEO asked me, “Is this a situation to show empathy?” I said, “Absolutely.” In this situation, if the manager’s perspective is heard, then the next step is to get buy-in to learn what it will take to be awarded the higher raise. If someone does not feel heard and understood, then they will often remain stuck in their feelings and not hear anything else. Reflecting back the other person’s perspective, the action part of empathy, does not mean that you agree with them. Using empathy opens up engagement and understanding where the focus is on the individual and what they are experiencing.

Rasmus Hougaard, founder of Potential Project released some of his findings from a two-year research project that included over 35,000 leaders in more than 120 countries, which included interviews with over 200 CEOs. A major finding of his was that leaders need to improve how they create engagement and build people-centric cultures. A solution to create engagement and build people-centric cultures is to develop empathy.

When we look at the interpersonal skills in an emotional intelligence assessment, there are three components: our relationships, empathy and enthusiasm, and our social responsibility. As all 15 competencies are interrelated in emotional intelligence, we can perhaps find the biggest barrier to empathy and that is a lack of self-awareness of your own emotions. When you don’t understand or you are not in touch with your own feelings, you will find it harder to relate to the emotions of others and often will struggle to articulate the other persons’ perspective.

The CEO I mentioned earlier could have become defensive to justify the lack of a higher raise, but that does not promote growth for the individual or the company. Often, when someone lacks emotional self-awareness, they will use destructive forms of communication from belittling, ignoring, judging, diminishing and rejecting the other person’s feeling, to telling them they are wrong.

Learning the skill of empathy is in demand, and working with an executive coach can speed up the process. If you are not aware of your own emotional state, then your emotional self-expression will be weak as well. To begin this journey, I suggest taking an emotional intelligence assessment to discover your skill gaps. Your success as a leader is dependent on developing empathy and self-awareness.