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As an executive headhunter and coach observing emotional intelligence and helping others develop this crucial 21st-century ability, I continue to validate time and again how EQ development requires a willingness to deepen your authenticity and self-understanding.

In her latest book, Entrepreneurial You, Dorie Clark describes the importance of making a substantive contribution. She references a conversation she had with executive coach Alisa Cohn, who described her experience of learning to not only listening but expressing her gut feelings. Clark writes, “Just as it takes a while for a musician or writer to find a ‘voice,’ it’s the same for consultants and coaches. Early on, you may not be sure what’s distinctive about your approach. But with time and practice (It’s a good idea to make friends with your initial, pro bono guinea pig clients), you’ll begin to understand what makes you unique. Like Cohn, I’ve learned that ‘playing it safe’ by clamping down your opinion isn’t helpful to clients.”

Emotional intelligence is a vital cognitive skill, just like IQ.

People often confuse EQ with people-pleasing tactics to avoid conflict, but that’s not what it is in practice.

Adam Grant, co-author of Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, believes that cognitive ability is the grandfather of emotional intelligence and is more powerful. Daniel Goleman counterbalanced that argument.

I asked Dr. Nicole Gravagna, neuroscientist, emotional intelligence expert and author of MindSET Your Manners and Venture Capital for Dummies about these two opinions. Her comment: “It reminds me of a conversation I had when I was 10 years old — ‘Which would you rather be, deaf or blind?’ Frankly, I’d rather exercise and expand both my cognitive and non-cognitive abilities. Why choose?”

Emotional intelligence is the underpinning muscle you must take time to practice and develop daily to move you forward. Here’s how:

1. Start seeing conflict as good. In actuality, conflict is a constant in interpersonal relationships, and what EQ helps you do is to create more meaningful, genuine connections with people. By practicing your emotional intelligence, you are deepening your relationships with both yourself and the people and clients you interact with. It should increase your emotional honesty while also helping you master communicating in a way that is honest, authentic and ultimately the best version of you.

2. Remember why you were hired. Remember, your boss or client hired you for a particular reason, and that includes sharing your opinions and observations. Your client is paying you for genuine insight. When it comes to hiring or business decisions, a lot of money may be riding on a particular choice. Using a recruiter as an example, if your client loves a candidate that you’re concerned will not be the right candidate for the role, expressing your reason in an honest and productive manner is crucial.

3. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. The ability to start a difficult conversation about a subject with a team member, candidate, boss, client or whomever else is a crucial skill. It’s not what you say but how you say it that matters, and that’s what developing your EQ teaches you to do.

EQ is not about people pleasing or biting your tongue (though sometimes you do need to choose your arguments). Relying on old behaviors can actually be your undoing. The better you become at mastering your own emotional and conversational intelligence, the better you become at simply being you. Whether you’re a full-time employee or building your business as a consultant, being authentic matters.

4. Establish your credibility. Emotional intelligence is what will empower you to build social credibility, charge your worth and have a meaningful impact. It’s the underlying skill needed in order to successfully market yourself and soar to new heights. I see it over and over again in my own work and in working with others. Dorie’s book drives home the point that you really are ultimately responsible for your own career success and destiny.

5. Build your brand. Dorie’s book outlines strategies to identify and monetize your unique value offering and skill sets. As a recruiter, coach, leader, manager, or even a full-time employee at a company, it is time to take charge of your brand and begin to position yourself. If you aren’t developing your reputation, successfully engaging people and developing relationships, there is little chance you will be successful in five years. If you want to build a great band, sharpen your emotional intelligence.

Source: Forbes Coaches

What Dorie Clark’s Latest Book Can Teach Coaches About Emotional Intelligence